This post I'll share a one or two with you and let you know my possible solutions.
The first is the beginning of my story. I'm a world builder in a lot of ways, and it tends to detract from the actual plot and character if I'm not careful. in the first three chapters the character is basically just contemplating his city, and history, and the potential future of both the city and him. Really there's a purpose for it, and it achieves something worth while, but it does through a pretty boring method. I actually really enjoy it, and others might too, but it's not where it should be. and it's not where it could be. despite enjoying the info dump, those scenes have largely felt flat to me.
While J'yon (main character) is recalling what he's heard about the city's history, he mentions that the city has been rebuilding the walls as though preparing for another war.
I decided this is what I needed. I'm now in the process of reworking the beginning of this story to take place a few years down that path. Now the city is AT war, the walls are still incomplete and the city is forcing young men without a master-level trade to march as soldiers against the forces of another city.
Here's my opening paragraph, it's literally a first draft, and it's not perfect but its an enormous imporvement
The air hummed with the deadly murmer
of war, making sleep impossible. J'yon had spent most of the night
meticulously carving, sanding, and staining a lion's head as the
finishing touch for his master work. His salvation. He could hear the
quick march of armored foot-falls on the cobbled streets, a fate he
knew he would face if his master-work didn't pass a council
inspection. His apprenticeship would be called a failure and he would
be a forced recruit in the city's military. If he was lucky they
would make use of his experience as a carpenter's apprentice and he'd
build catipults and cross bows, more likely he'd face the army of the
lost empire with sorely inadequate training, and no taste for death.
"The forward lines will cure you
of that weakness soon enough" Captain Jol had told him, "cure
you or kill you, you got no problems too long on the forward."
J'yon's stomach churned with anxiety,
for better or worse he'd meet his fate today. Carpenter and well
paid, or nameless soldier on a line.
For comparison, here's the original first paragraph.
For comparison, here's the original first paragraph.
J'yon looked up from his uncle's work bench and the lion head he'd been carving for a banister knob. The sun blossomed over the city's skyline, its light supplementing that of the glow off the oil lamp. He was finished. The last hour of sanding and detail work had been the hardest. Maybe staying up all night to finish his project hadn't been strictly necessary, but he wanted to impress his uncle. Now Hayben would have the whole day to inspect the house and double check all the details before its new owners moved in. The house was J'yon's master piece, his final piece of carpentry done as an apprentice. Hayben had been keeping an eye on his nephew's work, of course, to make sure he made no large or dangerous blunders; but he'd left the project largely in J'yon's hands. They'd hired men to help with the labor and it had been J'yon's job to lead them and to make sure they didn't make any mistakes either. Now, a year later, the manor was finished with the placing of the banister knob and his uncle's last inspection.
Placing his city at war has also opened up much greater chance for character depth, added a side plot that will provide several types of conflict/ friction. it also adds greater opportunity for a foil charcter early on, and provides better tension in the opening scene.
I'm going to leave you there for now. comments are of course welcome.
Darren
Only a Sith deals in absolutes
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