from the hip

Alright, new promise. I will now write in my blog exactly as often as whim allows.

I am good at making goal, at telling myself stories.
When I was in second grade I moved from Ames Iowa to Chariton Iowa and left my best friend Evan behind. I cried a lot. I don't remember why now, and this blog isn't about guessing. I remember I had a teacher that scared me and I thought she was mean. Mrs. Gildablume. When I talked to Evan on the phone he played the best friend role of blindly agreeing with my assessment, saying "I'm pretty sure that's a name of a poison."I later came to love her, and I called her my favorite teacher. 

I was not popular in grade school. I was friends with a handicapped girl, Samantha, kids said I must be in love with her. I wonder after her from time to time. I stopped a bully from kicking a smaller kid as he lay scared, curled up under a wooden bench. I told a teacher. Later half my class stood on the wooden playground and promised they'd beat me up after school. I told a teacher. This was third grade. By fifth I was comfortable if still unpopular. One day I stole a kid's watch as he cleaned out his desk. I gave it back and he marveled at my slight of hand, but when he called later I was suspicious. He asked if I wanted to hang out, and in my mind he must be tricking me. I had rarely been invited to someone's house since we'd moved to town. I thought, he must be playing a joke. I thought that he would laugh and point with the other popular kids when he saw I believed him. He was sincere and he was soon my second ever best friend. I still have Jamie as a friend on facebook.

In sixth grade, we moved from Chariton to Dixon Illinois. I was excited. Kids had started pantsing each other at recess and I was terrified it would happen to me. I had friends then, and when I left, Jamie had gotten me a card and most of my class signed it with personal touches.I still have the card.

Friendships formed and fell away and formed again, but it was years before I had a best friend. I told myself the same story as before, that it must be a trick of some sort. And as before I found a best friend, two in fact. Kevin and Andy.

There are many things I could tell you about my life, but this is a story about the stories I've told myself and, through myself, those around me.

To back up a moment.  I will share another story I told myself. The story of my life aboard a space ship. The story of how I, the captain of the ship, had been scientifically implanted in Terry, my earth mom, to study humans. I often felt like an outcast. There needed to be a reason I felt I did not belong. I told myself I was never meant to lose those other memories. I was never meant to loose contact with my crew. For years when I heard my name, but found no speaker, I wondered if I was right and if my crew was trying to contact me.

Nearly all of my teen years were spent believing that God had created me to be unique, world changingly unique. That this was why I did not feel like I belonged. That God had a plan that would through my life into sharp relief, a final puzzle piece that would make all the rest make sense. My belief in God did not die with my delusions of grandeur.

When my dad got sick with cancer, I knew. I knew he was dying before it came out. Mowing the lawn one day, I felt as though God told me. It was this voice that I looked for with all other revolations. Since I have wondered if I subconsciously worked it out through small evidences, as that voice has only once been right.

When my dad was dying of liver cancer, I believed he would live. because the same moment I knew he was dying I knew he would survive, by the same voice. I bought him a pool cue bag for his birthday. I told him we would go play pool soon. Even believing as I did, there was an implied urgency in the "soon". I never quite got around to it.

When my dad died in the hospital. I demanded "No." and prayed with trembling and faith that God would restore his life.

Let's back up again.

One year I went to a church camp and watched my future friend Larissa perform a skit, using an austrailian accent that still makes me smile. I watched the other man in the skit fall all over her in their antics and I suspected that he was using the skit to touch her. More smiles over my stories. Jeremy was, in fact, her brother. Clearly I found her beautiful.

I flirted later with a girl named Lindsy. I stood in ShopKo and described a scene to Kevin. I told him how we would often high-five as we passed one another. I told him how we would sometimes intwine our fingers as we did, and it would be like we held hands or a moment. I asked him if he thought it meant anything. A woman in line turned around and said it did.

Kevin and I stayed up late one night talking. He liked a girl who was supposedly engaged. Still she flirted with him and we both believed she liked him. Months before he had noticed her at school and had gone on and on about her eyes. She souned familiar and I showed him a picture of her draped around another girl. We had wondered about her preference. Now we wondered about her ringless engagement. Somehow we connected her heritage with arranged marriages, and we convinced ourselves this was the case. We were young and there were stories. She however, was just complicated and conflicted, like all people.

Another year at camp I befriended a pretty young red headed girl. I quickly fell for her. we flirted and spent the week happy. She wore my hat often. after camp we emailed regularly but Lizzie was dating a guy who was no good for her. I told her what I thought. They both called and swore a lot. In he months that went by, I thought about her daily. I could smell her on my hat, a hat I had stopped wearing. She called me in the months before my dad died. She was single and missed me. we talked nightly until I could drive down to see her. I had refused to ask her out before then. I thought we would be together forever. I bought a promise ring to give to her on valentines day. I was seventeen and we broke up a week too soon. I was young and still telling stories

Later that year I asked out my second girlfriend. I told myself she was perfect. I could imagine no life without her. After two and a half years we broke up and I was incapable of accepting it. It was inconcievalbe that we weren't together. I believed even God told me we would get back together. That voice that had once promised a father's death, promised love reunited.I would friend her into loving me again. She had told herself the story that she wanted to stay friends, but the pain was too sharp and it wasn't long before that friendship ended in utter silenc.

I responded by falling for Kayla's best friend. Because I'm a human fool and not a space captain implanted into a human , nor a Christian prophet groomed to revitalize the church for God. 

By coincidence, or more subconscious story telling, I asked out the sister of my ex's previous ex a whole four months after being dumped. I, like so many christian youths, believed it God's will. I had forgotten how to single and I had forgotten how to be in a new relationship. I was awkward and tried to force a quick connection. Frustration and a realization that I was still attracted to  Kayla's bff, and a blindness to the turmoil in my heart over being dumped, lead to me breaking things off with Katie, the nicest and coolest of girls, on aprils fools day. about which, I will always feel very, very human.

after coming up with plans to try to attract the attention of Angela, the bff,  through the use of six flags, I discovered I would instead be taking Fred, who had become my best friend over the previous nine months. He was my confidant and a man of faith that I trusted with most every secret. At six flags I told him I liked Angela's eyes, and I wonder now if he hadn't been trying to work up the courage to share a secret with me. He told me he actually thought Kayla had pretty eyes. And I easily and unthinkingly agreed with him. She had never been far from my mind or ambitions, but this reminder was enough to focus me back on her. three months later I had begun to pick up on flirting between them and I grew suspicious and prayed for answers. The Voice of past told me that Fred wouldn't do that too me. and this was one last test. When I confronted him and he told me he was pursuing her whatever I wanted, I felt hatred for the first time in my life. I will not abide hatred. and I killed it in a week. Not the ending of either of those relationships I hoped for, but I also abhore dark endings, so I will add that they are now married, happily, I've no doubt. Furthermore, I am facebook friends with Fred and have sought his advice more than once.

Life has trajedies and comedies. Drama and action. adventure, so too do the stories I have long told myself.
I scaled a thirty-fifty foot rock wall without ropes. I could not bring myself to jump from the rock wall to a rock pillar three feet away, because even though it was easily ten feet wide I could imagine myself slipping and sliding off from the momentum.I could not stop imagining it.
I once killed a bat with a tennis racket for my housemate Becky. I did so from a crouched position because I couldn't stop imagining it landing on me. But the same day as the rock climbing I went cave diving. There were bats hanging from the cieling and the didn't bother me even when they flew. I sat on a rock ledge in the most absolute black I can imagine possible, with no fear of the bats flying near by. It was peaceful.

I have long wanted to go skydiving. Though like many stories I tell myself, I have never quite gotten around to making this one a reality. I said "the first plane I ever get on, I will jump out of." I did not jump from the first plane I ever got on, I did however attend my sister's wedding.

I have thoughts of going to school to be a music minister, or a youth minister. When a person I cared for suggested that these things don't take degrees and don't pay money, I decided to study electronic engineering technology. When our relationship ended, so did my progress in the course. It took 6 years to complete the two year degree, since getting it, I've done nothing with it.

There have been several turning points to my life. Not least of which was the turning point that I am a Writer. I write stories. I craft them every day. The stories I told myself in the above examples are just those most easily expressed. Perhaps I am not a good writer, or reality would have blindsided me less often. Instead my stories hid me from the world, or encouraged me to face it, even if it failed to prepare me for it. But then, that's every story. A story needs an ending and my stories need conflict resolution.conflict resolution is no small part of what keeps people getting up each morning and I am just one more human.

Since the discovery of my tendency I have gained confidence that I might make money off this life-long habit. I have written 10k+ words in no less than six novels, and 50k+ in no less than two. I have planned to submit my current novel to publishers in the next year. I am clearly a fool. the very existance of this post proves it. Still I am aware of the odds and content with my habit, because it is not one I could change if I wanted to.

And yet, I am incomplete. I am broke, basically uneducated, single for the last six years, and dissatisfied with where I stopped in every regard save writing and thinking.
I will tell you this next story I have told myself in its entirety, holding nothing back. I have applied for, and expect acceptance in SIU in carbondale. There are schools closer to home and better schools closer to family. I will avoid them because I have yet to skydive. My only 'chute will be success. I will continue to write, and I will have sold my first novel by the end of my first year. And after I've sold my second, I will continue to go to school. I will not be going to school for English or creative writing. because it is more often amateurs that know no better  that make innovative leaps than it is experts. And, I find most of the courses for an English degree to be mind killingly boring and useless. I will be studying programming, with the goal of getting a BS in computer science. This is in no small part because I heard a man call it a super power. And I agree with him. The classes will be challenging and will leave me with a sense of accomplishment. The math will be difficult and its understanding will leave me feeling like I know a secret, as math always does.
I will live in an efficency appartment, working part time, writing part time, schooling full time. I will take summer classes. I will participate in the boat regatta and win a prize no less than once. And after I've sold my third book I will graduate a budding author. I will get a job programming and will write as I feel the desire. and when I have a contract for a series, I will consider quitting my job. This will be within the next decade. At this point I will be a full time novelist. I will write code for things like my arduino, and maybe a phone app here and there for kicks.

And some where in there, there will be some friggin' conflict resolution of my romantic life.

Sometimes my stories come true, sometimes my stories have magic. Since I refuse to write magic out of any story, I'll have to find some magic. 

weeeeellllll...... Crap.

All to often. Things don't go as I plan. I'm a horrible planner. It doesn't matter if I'm trying to plan an event, or plan my goals, I tend to suck at it. I tend to overlook setbacks. Or if I see the setbacks, I tend to be over confident about dispatching them.

So I'm slightly back to square one. I will be making an effort to start posting on here again.
Since I last posted I have, abandoned two partial novels, to possibly be revisited in the future. Pulled the novel I had planned for my website, and set to work on it, as a possible work for submission. Unfortunately I wont finish it before NaNo, and rather than continue writing in it (which would be cheating, so I wouldn't feel right about adding my totals to my region, with the goal of defeating our rivals in Australia) I have decided to start an Urban Fantasy/Suspense novel. It will be my first of that sort. and it should only be around 75K words, so if I can manage to finish it this novemeber, I will polish it up and it could be my first submission... if I like it, anyway.

So that's where I'm at.  in less relevant news, I may have a lead on an apartment. *fingers crossed* So that would be exciting.

Alright folks. hopefully I'll see ya here again in the next couple days :)

H'lo

I thought I'd do a quick hello and update you on stuff.
Well, I dropped my online writing group. I'd like to get back to it at some point, but right now it was acting as more of an anxiety inducer than anything useful. I just have too much to do. I can see the usefulness when I'm not quite so rushed, but right now I"m on a tight (self imposed-ish) deadline, and the online writing group was just getting in the way.
Unfortunately, while I did have some extra time, and less stress, I still didn't have as much motivation and energy as I needed. not much I can do about the energy, besides coffee. Even the motivation is going to be hard to increase, but I can encourage it but getting rid of some of the things I'd rather do. If I had an office without internet, that would be excellent. But I can't afford an office and an apartment (not that I've found one of those yet) so I've been looking for places with 2 bedrooms, one of which I'll use as JUST a creative office, no  video games, movies, web surfing. it will be for writing (and occasional drawing or playing music possibly) and nothing else.
But that plan has been on hold while I look for a place that meet's my wants, my price, and allows dogs. I have found several that meet two of those, but none that met all 3. Well three actually. but one of those I let pass because I thought I found two better options. in the mean time, the better options stopped returning my calls for a week, and when he did both the other places he had were no longer available. CURSES!
Anyway, so I've been without an office, and I'm easily distracted by my A.D.D.  like dyslexia (apparently it's one of the symptoms of dyslexia) which tends to lead to watching tv, playing video games, surfing the web, etc.
Then this occurred to me today while listening to the podcast Writing Excuses: I could go to the library! It's likely to be quiet, people aren't likely to bother me. If I need the internet it's right there, but I'm not likely to be so comfortable I'll start watching a movie, or playing a game. and I'm also not likely to fall asleep there (as I often do unintentionally at home). I probably wont get there everyday of the week, but if I can get there for a couple hours, 3 or 4 days a week, that will help alot!

Alright, I've got some things to do if I'm going to get there today (which I may not, I've already ran, and am falling asleep, but I'll try.) Have a great day!
XD

Unknown setting

So Sunday my writing group did an exercise for writing setting. I tend to struggle with writing setting. When I read, I tend to let much of setting details float by. I think setting is often times used pointlessly, or simplistically. It's purpose is often times to do little else but to paint a literal image in the reader's mind. But I tend to base the images off of personality or atmosphere, and memories much more than I do off descriptions. When the description serves more than one purpose, It sticks with me better. for example, when I read about Jim Butcher's character Waldo Butter's jet black hair, I remember it, but I don't visualize him that way. I visualize him as having dirty blonde hair. But when Patrick Rothfuss talks about his character with red hair, bright red, red as flame.  I remember, the image is powerful, it's brought up many times, and it is woven into the story. it's important. Now, Butters is a side character, and there can't always be importance to hair. Yet character description is demanded by the readers..... Long story short, because I often times ignore descriptions when I read, I tend to forget about descriptions, or forget the details of descriptions when i write. So practicing this was especially needed by me.

In the prompt, each of us was given a popsicle stick with a name of a setting, steam punk, ancient Japan, post apocalyptic, Egyptian, USA in the 1920s, etc. I wont give mine away, but I knew very little about it. We were also supposed to describe it as a tour guide, but by the time i'd wiki'd my subject, I'd forgotten that detail.

In entering the section of the city I call home, I always finds myself with
mixed emotions. The world isn't what it was expected, the last great war
had ended, it was supposed to end all wars. In those sections of the city
soldiers danced in celebration of the end of wars. In my city, there was a
new war, a younger war.
There was progress too. 3 sky scrapers fought for dominance of the sky,
two twins and a younger brother. It's one of my favorite sights. depending
on the angle, the towers looked both complete and in progress. construction
Workers toiled to finish, and desk jockeys rode elevators to offices.
And then there was our leadership. "I am not a crook" played on every screen
was echoed in mocking by small children. No things weren't perfect. The
ideology of uninhibited love of the previous decade had faded, and was fading.

I think that came out pretty decent actually. Can you guess my setting? 1970's America.
anyway, gonna try to work up the motivation to write some novel now.

Shutgun. Head. Sweet relief.

Dramatized reen-countment(made up word):


Another day at rayovac, working the ol' grindstone. AAA batteries in packs of eight are taken from a conveyor belt, and placed in display trays, ten per trey, cardboard seperators are placed on 3 trays of batteries before those trays are packed into cardboard boxes.  The seperators don't actually do anything, but walmart and Rayovac like to pretend they keep they keep the cards from bending. 250 of those boxes are stacked on a pallet and wrapped up to be shipped out. a normal day, with one caviot. A nerd believes he's found a common soul. I was not the nerd.... somehow.


I'm going to shorten the nerds names for comedy (and two irony's one for you and one for me.)


Fat: Oh, so wanna be an author, huh?


Me: *I shrug* yeah, I -


Fat: Oh that's cool. Yeah I like to think of myself as a writer too. A writer and a reader.


Me: Oh yeah? what do you like to read?


Fat: Oh all sorts of stuff. Harry potter, star wars, twilight. I like good quality stuff.


Me:....................... yeah, a lot of people like those books. I read harry potter.


Fat: Oh, not just the books. I love the fanfic. Fanfic in general is just awesome. I don't know why they don't publish some of that stuff.


Me: *Trying really hard not to slap myself in the forehead* I've never been a big fan fiction reader.


Fat: Well, sure you said you're a writer. so what do you like to write about? you ever do cross-overs


Me: Cross overs?


Fat: Sure, like harry potter vs. the darkside. Prof. Lupin and the half blood vampire. Cross-overs. Actually I wrote that last one. Lupin falls in love with Bella's daughter. Well not love, just immutable attraction. I think it's my favorite of all my writing.


Me: Yeah I don't really write fanfic.


Fat: What? Why not?


(By the way, next two blocks of dialogue are as closed to word for word as I can remember)


Me:..... Well...... (if you write fanfic look away)..... it's not real writing. You can't publish it either.


Fat:..... Sure, you can. There's lots of websites outthere that let you post fanfic.


Me: sure... but that's not the kind of published I'm going for.


Fat: So, then what do you write about?


Me: well, lots of stuff. Mostly speculative fiction (scifi/fantasy/horror/etc). I wrote a book about a carpenter that learns to use magic, finds out the history behind his runaway father, and saves a city from an evil-


Fat: so... was he like Harry potter's friend or something? was he a weasley? Don't call the evil thing Voldamort, he's dead. Try... moldavort! and you're welcome for that.


*Shotgun. Head. Sweet relief. (by the by, if I had a blog where I only complained about things, this would be my sign off. No you can't use it, I may not be done with it.)

aaaaaand Break.

     So I've spent a few hours writing. not sure when I started. Tenish? anyway, I got a couple thousand fresh words cracked out. It's about what I'm expecting from myself. if I'm in the zone I can write 500+ thousand words every 15 minutes. But that is usually spaced out with times of "hmm what happens next" and "how can I phrase this". Writing that quickly generally puts more words on paper, but I often hate what I'm writing in those times. looking back at them, they usually aren't too bad, but I'm less confident in them as I go.
     I also revised a section of the story that I realized wasn't following cannon, that took some time. But it wasn't as aweful as I was expecting. actually, I was really set to write. If I can write this much every day, and maybe 5k extra on weekends, I should be set come september. Today this goal feels very attainable. I'm getting tired, so I don't know that I'll be able to write more today, but I think I'm okay with that.
   
     The website is coming along too. I'm not likely to have it completed by the July, but we'll see. I'm going to try to get some more out of the way right now.  So far, I have the main page pretty much finished. I haven't uploaded it yet, so no checking! I've got 3 goals for it this afternoon. I'm going to try to get a template set up that I can post my web book (Seven Kingdoms) and a mirror of this blog on. That shouldn't take long, as I know about what I want. With that done I can quickly mirror what blogs I've written (since the start of the year anyway). If I have time and energy, I MIGHT also do a quick revision and post of the first section of the novel. I'll probably make it a teaser though, since I don't have enough written yet to really start posting. But I might be able to get word out, get people interested. I also want to make a "Sorry this page hasn't been created yet, this is a beta version of the site. please check again later! XD" page.

      Alright, I'm going to go attempt to do this. But one final note. I've found that listening to music helps me, so long as I can't sing along, and it's high energy. So I've been listening (for several hours) to this japanese music, it's odd, but I like it, and it meets the requirements. Thanks pandora! I will take my check now (God that joke is tired)

Duces!
XD

I hate Melan....

Alright, I'm getting tired and I'm running out of steam. but I felt like I needed to blog.

Today I had no incentive to write. I felt whiny and crabby and tired when I tried to start. I could almost hear myself complain "But I don't WANT to do that right now." The thing was I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to watch tv, read, write, eat, swim, sleep, stay awake. I had no interest in any kind of activity or choice. It was a very melancholic/lethargic mood, and it's something I struggle with at times.
I like to entertain myself with the thought that Sherlock Holmes suffered from similar fits, and were usually preceded at proceeded by fits of periods of genius and accomplishment. They were likely brought on by the drug use, but w/e.

I don't know that genius ever comes before or behind these bouts of lethargy, in some kind of cathartic balance; but I do know that making myself be more than mindlessly active while I feel that way sucks.

However. that doesn't mean there isn't a nice pay off if I manage to subvert my subdued feeling. But today, I forced myself to write. I pushed myself to put out 2k words, and for the first 1.5k I was checking my word count every couple hundred words. It was arduous, but  finally I was just 400 words away, so I decided to do a 15 minute word spring, to finish up. 15 minutes later I was just shy of 500 words, and it wasn't long after that that I had surpassed my goal of 2k words by over 500 words.

The writing isn't perfect, and I messed up the cannon a little bit, but I surpassed my goal for the day. and more importantly, I over came that whiny voice that wasn't willing to be satisfied with any course of action.

So yay me! I have realized something through this though. If I was very lucky, and motivated, I could reach my every goal by this fall. I could create a website, write a book, finish a book, and revise both books, while writing a third book that I'd be posting to my website. It's possible I could achieve all these things by the time I go to worldcon in the fall. But it's possible that september will find me with no upkept website, no routinely updated book or blog found on the website. and two unfinished, unrevised books.

So what can I cut out? The website shows a level of seriousness, that I'm hesitant drop. But at this stage in my career, there's not much I can post on there beyond the blog and free book. So I can't really cut either of those things if I plan to keep the website. I'm changing my publishing of the web book to a weekly post of 5k words, in an attempt to give me a better chance to remain consistant.

But it wont be enough. I had to decide which novel to get manuscript ready by the fall. One of them, has 60k words written already. The other has around 6k But WtL, has two drawbacks, despite being further along. One, I am very undecided about many aspects of it, and I'm struggling with what to rewrite. and two, it's the first book in a series. New authors are much more likely to sell a stand alone book than a series. It's also my first novel, and therefore not likely to sell. Perhaps I could finish, revise, and make it manuscript ready by the fall, but I'm not even confident I could do that.

While, I'm not thrilled at the idea of dropping WtL for the next several months, distance might provide a new perspective. I also have the new novel (tentatively named Brendon's darkness) outlined in many ways. the specifics are still coming to me, as I'm largely a discovery writer. but I know the story line. I have the plot summery worked out. it shouldn't take me long to bring it to a full length novel. The goal is to have it written by august, and revised by September. and made manuscript ready by the end of the first or second week in September.

Even this goal feels slightly daunting today, especially considering I'd like to have eight posts totaling 40k words written and posted in my 7kingdoms, web novel.

Deep breathes everyone. I can do this. I will do this. That said, this blog may take a bit of a hit in that time. I'll post at least once a week, but I can't guarantee it will be more than that. Once the fall hits, I'll start working up to daily posts again.  Although, november will likely see a decline for nanowrimo, but we'll worry about that when we get there.

For now, wish me luck. And take care.
XD